Almost every day is a dance of thinking I am in control and have some structure, just to lose it again in a flash. Letting go of the control and come back into trust that my path will unfold itself and I will find my flow and purpose again.

I hope you know I love you. But most of all I hope that You Love You. As that is what matters most in the world. You simply loving you.

Yesterday a deep part of me was touched which is linked to my intrinsic sense of worthlessness. Suddenly the DUTY of MUST AND SHOULD rose so strongly that my whole body went into a painful cramp and that tiredness fell over me like a thick heavy blanket.

What does really being allowed to be mean? How does that feel? I was just wondering that while lying awake at 3 a.m., missing something and at the same time intellectually knowing that I don't need anything outside of myself to be complete.

For a number of weeks, I felt that I really had to go to a forest and that this forest was not located in Greece. It was a very strange sensation for me to feel this so strongly and I was not sure what to do with it.

The beautiful magical place where I am now also invites me challenges me and shows this to me. It is ok as it is and I don't have to do anything more to be good enough.

So I thought this time I would describe a simple day in the life of a vanlifer. Little did I know that the day I had in mind had a completely different end than I could imagine.

A small death of the ego, the pain body. The mind that says, "But wait, without me in charge we won’t be ok!" The body that panics. Convulsions in my body from an intense energy that shoots through all whole body, from the center of my pelvis, my base,

Tomorrow exactly 1 month ago my dear friend Lonneke and I drove away from the Netherlands. She for the retreat and gathering in Italy where we went together and I for a yet unknown period of traveling after our adventure together.

DOING or feeling like I have to do that, share and show what I am doing, profile myself and defend that what I am doing in my campervan is really productive and valuable, immediately brought me back from the sense of BEING.